Doc. 03 — Facilities · Directory · Vertical Protocol

Departments & Sub-Basements

Every office in the Ministry is listed below in order of seniority, which is also its order of height, which is inversely its order of depth. To reach the most important rooms, descend. To be forgotten entirely, take the stairs to the roof and wait to be thanked.

The full directory

Floors are
a suggestion.
Ranks are law.

B2 Office of Sudden Regulation drafts the laws that occur to us mid-sentence Second Basement · above all

B2 The Treasury of the Damp counts the salt, dries the ledgers, weeps quietly at par Second Basement · bring a towel

B1 Department of Light Left On chaired by the Moth Commissioner; convenes near the projector First Basement · dim

B1 Bureau of Weather That Never Arrived files the rain that thought better of it; our founding office First Basement · overcast

M The Mezzanine of Almost where decisions are kept until they can be safely not made Mezzanine · pending

M Registry of the Provisionally Real issues existence permits; the queue begins before you join it Mezzanine · take a number, lose it

G Committee of Ceilings governs the lakes overhead; deliberates by remaining up there Ground · look up respectfully

G Office of Petitions & Politely Ignored Correspondence receives your forms, admires them, files them under weather Ground · closed when open

L The Lobby the lowest and least trusted room; humble, damp, on probation Lobby · the true basement

R The Roof, Which Is a Lake not staffed; not drained; not, strictly, a roof Roof · do not thank

7½ Desk Seven-and-a-Half the floor between floors; reached only by forgetting the others Between · under review

"We are not a tall building pretending to be deep. We are a deep building that has given up on which way is which, and thrived." — The Warden of Vertical Protocol, from the Mezzanine of Almost

How to move between floors without agreeing to arrive

The lift has
read the Doctrine
and disagrees.

The Ministry has one lift. It is honest, which is the problem. It will take you exactly where you deserve to go, and most visitors, on reflection, deserve the Mezzanine of Almost, where they are held pleasantly in suspension until the feeling of being about to arrive somewhere passes off naturally, usually within a Tuesday.

On Thursdays the lift travels only sideways, in solidarity with the corridor, and should not be trusted to change your altitude, your mind, or your mind about your altitude. Staff are advised to use the stairs, which are numbered in salt and re-numbered nightly by the pigeons, who consider stair-numbering a sacred duty and a personal grievance in equal measure.

To descend is to be promoted. To ascend is to be gently demoted toward the sky, where the Roof Lake waits with its receipts. Visitors frequently report climbing four flights to reach our "top office" and emerging, damp and confused, in the Lobby — the lowest room — having in fact done the most sensible thing possible, which is to give up on the concept of up.

Desk Seven-and-a-Half is reachable by no stair and no lift. It is reached only by sincerely forgetting the number of the floor you wanted, at which point you are already there, being handed a form by someone who resembles you from behind. Do not turn around. The form is fine. The form is always fine.

Petition a department See what the floors did today